On the Mind

7 days. 7 days ago I turned 30. And so much has happened.

Before I start on a recap, let me just say a “Thank You” – if you’re reading this, then that means you deserve a thank you.

I’m always overwhelmed by the amount of wonderful people in my life, people who give me so much when I always feel that I am so incapable of giving back.

There is no doubt that is the greatest gift I have, and it’s crazy to think that I have so many people who offer me so much joy. I will always aspire to be a better and kinder person.

—

On July 26th, I started on a journey – a journey to find the broken pieces that were left behind in 2021.

Some of you may know, some of you may not, but in 2016 I had the opportunity to watch GFRIEND perform live in Toronto. Here’s what 22 year old me had to say about that matter:

People who have known me for a long time will know I’m a lifetime Taeyeon fan, famously listening to her songs on repeat. One of my friends was flabbergasted that months later, I still had Stress on repeat… But that’s another story…

What’s not as commonly known is that I’m a longtime Gfriend fan, and a forever Eunha bias. Just like so many fans, there are few words to describe how broken I was by the news in 2021. A dream to see them again shattered, and only tears filled with regret leftover.

Fast forward through news of the members finding separate homes, Eunha’s solo “At the End of Time” and VIVIZ, to whispers of a GFRIEND return, and broken dreams started to reappear.

Then, the news of a lifetime, a possibility of a VIVIZ tour. You may also be surprised to hear that I missed IU’s concerts, despite being such a big IU fan (since Marshmallow days!) But, to me, seeing VIVIZ and Eunha one more time was worth the trade-off. And what’s more, they were performing on my birthday, and I knew at that moment, I was going to that show.

So on July 26th, I boarded a plane to begin a trek to follow the tour for 3 stops, Louisville on July 27th, Nashville on July 28th, and ending in Indianapolis on my 30th birthday. A supposedly 750km (465 mi) journey.

Words cannot begin to describe the feelings of anticipation, excitement and hope. A fansign and chance to speak to them, to get over the nervousness I had meeting them at 22, a photo opportunity and selfies. I still have flashbacks to my inability to wish Eunha a happy birthday during the show.

Today, I am a proud owner of multiple signed selfies, and a 2024 signed season’s greetings, on top of my extensive signed album collection.

I could go on and on about meeting them in person, but I’ll just cover some quick anecdotal highlights from the concert (outside of the concert being absolutely amazing).

1. Eunha wished me a Happy Birthday!
2. SinB and Eunha both called out my name when talking about fans
3. Umji inquired about my phone 3 times
4. Eunha and I had a quick chat about photos
5. I had a nice conversation with their Korean bodyguard

I wanted to write this post not because of the concert, but because of the people I met and the lessons I learned from them. I think I’m really lucky and blessed to meet the wonderful people I see.

On my birthday in Indianapolis, I got to meet many buddies and brothers, and there is no doubt in my mind that I’ll meet them again.

But let me ask you something:

What kind of person buys someone a birthday lunch and dinner on the first day they meet?

What kind of person offers you the warmth of an older brother from the first day, and gives advice from the heart so fearlessly?

A legend of legends, and that is who I got to meet and got to know. There is no doubt that the onus is on me to keep this brotherhood real and I will keep us in touch.

To everyone else who I have met this past week, I will find a way to keep in touch. Our heart sunny summer pose will live forever, alongside the legendary fanchants.

It was on the advice of the legends that are Marvin and Jundy that I found myself with tickets to Chicago and my so journey extended to 1335km (830mi). On July 31st, freshly 30, I rented a car and started my journey back north. It was upon my arrival in Chicago where I got to meet more wonderful people, with the warmth that I hadn’t expected and an opportunity to pay Marvin’s gift forward.

I don’t believe in fate, but sometimes you just get this feeling.

These young friends I had just met still feel like an illusion, from a world that I had not seen, but they have been so kind and considerate that I really did not know what to expect. My only regret is that I don’t have a photo with them.

Instead I have a photo with my new friend Alex, a legend in his own right, who coined up the hashtag #BeanViz and really did a full send for the entire concert on my left. Honestly don’t think I’ve gone that hard on any of the concerts until that point. I also can’t miss out that I also got a photo with the manager of the Indianapolis boys.

And that brings me to GenCon. 10 bros, 1 dream, 1 potential winner. Unfortunately all of us fell short this time, but I have friends for life, friends to enjoy the good and the bad days with, and friends to respect.

Thank you all so, so much and I really do believe that these connections with bridge our lifetimes.

1. Introduction
2. Chapter 1: Splash
3. Chapter 2: Pouring
4. Chapter 3: Snow
5. Chapter 4: Flurries
6. Chapter 5: Spitting
7. Chapter 6: Rivers

Introduction

I stared down at the fountain on the ground floor below me. There was something about the moving water that made it a great meeting place, the continuous spray of water entrancing the people around. Older folks chatting away their mundane days, kids running around with innocent joy and those like me, lost somewhere between.

The rain outside had brought everyone inside and as I stared down, shivering from the height, it started to become more and more crowded. To the south side I noticed a young man run in, visibly out of breath. He glanced around, pulled out his phone and typed something briefly before wandering around the fountain to continue looking around.

As if on cue, a young lady took her phone out of her pocket, smiled and took a picture of the fountain. She continued typing into her phone soon afterward.

The sound of yelp grabbed my attention as I turned to see a kid flat out on the ground. Parents, and other adults ran over to check to see if they were ok. As I stared concerned at the young boy rubbing his legs on the floor, a splash made me glance back at the fountain.

The young man from earlier sat in the fountain, dismayed at his misfortune and his sheepish embarrassment visible on his face. The young lady from earlier seemed unconcerned and was definitely preoccupied laughing.

I looked on smiling, thinking about what it would like to be young again. As I stared at the fountain, I slowly lost myself in the flowing water and the frightful height that brought me back to that day from the previous decade.

Chapter 1: Splash

I stared out across the raft, smiling faces all around. I looked to my right and without effort, faked a smile as always. Rose held my hand with her usual vigor, her cold fingers wrapping around mine. Though today they felt warmer than usual.

“Why did I agree to do this again?”

“Because you love me!” she replied back cheerily.

I could feel the sighs and glares from the rest of our raft as we drifted down the river, rapidly heading toward the end.

It seemed that our relationship would always be this way, not unlike the precarious flume ride we found ourselves on. She loved excitement, thrill and all the things it brought. I hated swings, amusement rides and everything of the like. And as you might expect from this predicament, I typically found myself at the mercy of her whims.

They say there is no rose without a thorn and Rose was no different. She’d always joke that I should keep my distance because she was only pretty to look at. If you tried to get close to her, you’d probably also be left bleeding all over.

People would always ask what I liked about her; how someone like me had even come to love her. To be honest, I wasn’t sure myself. I had found myself drawn to someone who seemed to be so similar and so different. I guess you could say I got caught on a thorn and was pulled along for the journey. It didn’t matter what kind of whirlwind or pain it’d take to get there.

Every key moment had been hectic. When I had first asked for her phone number, the first message I had sent, or our first kiss in the pouring rain. Our lives could have been described as pure chaos. Chaos that I had definitely held onto with a tight hug.

My best friend had been cautious about the whole thing when he’d set us up. He said he had a sense that this wasn’t going to end well. He kept asking if I knew what I was getting myself into. But it didn’t matter, and his fear came too late.

It didn’t take long for me to fall head over heels for Rose. What had been a series of messages about school had gone to stories about families, dealing with expectations and self-confidence. She’d slowly started confide in me and had come to rely on the person I could be. A person I didn’t know that I could be.

She had found it hard to trust others, and had hidden herself behind a mask of fake self-confidence. In contrast, I was the icon of confidence hidden behind a veil of weakness and feigned humility. Grasping her vulnerability had made me feel important and a comrade in her search for certainty.

So there I was, being propelled toward what I knew was certain fear, hearing echoes of excited shouts as her grasp drained whatever warmth that was left in my hands.

You might think that I was unhappy, unsatisfied or unfulfilled. You might even have called me crazy. In reality, I had always thought that I was lacking. I didn’t understand rebellion, I didn’t understand being unique and I certainly didn’t understand popularity. I had always been the definition of mediocrity.

Given a chance to discover myself, Rose’s cold hands had dragged me out of my shell, albeit painfully. She appreciated who I could be for her, and I realized I could do more than I thought I could. I realized that the warmth I had could be what grounded her.

And as we neared that end, she turned to me, beaming as always.

“So don’t fall too hard…”

She paused, letting me catch on before continuing as we started falling toward the inevitable.

“…cause I’m hard to love.”

As the gravity took over and we headed down toward the bottom, another line stuck in my head.

‘Ain’t no goin’ back once you start!’

Chapter 2: Pouring

And just like the summer had past, it was the beginning of fall, and everything had started to come down.

Leaves, rain, lightning and with it, our relationship.

They say nothing lasts forever, but as a teenager sometimes you don’t realize forever is only 1 year long. As Rose spun around in the pouring rain I could feel the blood running away from my body, the tiny cuts taking their toll. She gleefully stared at the red rivers flowing down my arms and legs.

Thunder rumbled in the distance and she smiled brilliantly, reaching for my hand.

“It’ll be fun!” She exclaimed, dragging me towards the brilliant flashes of light.

She didn’t seem to mind the red that was starting to color her palms and as I stared at her smile, I was overcome with fear for the first time. You might be thinking that her face was maniacal, that her smile was wicked, or that she looked insane. But no, it was full of her usual natural cuteness and innocence. That’s what scared me.

I was scared of everything by nature, and only challenging things I knew I could succeed at. I had always loved the quote ‘only ask questions you know the answer to.’ As I stared at her, I wondered how long I’d stopped asking questions for. Pondering it as we reached the middle of the road, it slowly dawned one me that I had never considered this before.

Rose tugged at my hand as I stood still. She glanced blankly at me, the lightning illuminating her face. I was slowly overcome with horror. I did not know the answer to her, today or any of this. I caught my breath as time seemed to slow, raindrops becoming visible as my pale face lost whatever blood was left in it. She stared at me, her gaze growing deadly with the passing seconds.

She tugged at my hand again before pulling hard enough that our hands broke apart.

“I can’t believe you” her voice shook, a harsh whisper. It was soon drowned out by the thunder rumbling behind her.

“I trusted you!”

Rain poured down, her cute and innocent face suddenly dark and cloudy. Gone was the energy in her voice and left was the chaos that had been buried by my blood.

“You said you we’d do this together. That you were ready to make our love electrifying! I told you that the only future we have is one together.”

Petrified and lost for reason I stared at her teary eyes.

“… there’s no future there Rose…” I whispered.

We had agreed to explore the thunderstorm together but I hadn’t truly realized how serious she had been. I suppose the thorns embedded in my limbs from the roses she had brought should have been a warning sign. I had thought she was trying to be cute. Her face was now drenched with tears, her body hunched over and overcome with sobs.

“I’m sorry…” was all I could manage to say, and I turned away, pained by the sight of her.

When I glanced back she was gone.

Chapter 3: Snow

I always loved the snow. There was nothing quite like the feeling of the cold settling into your body as you lay on a bed of snow. Sometimes I’d lay down without my coat in the freezing winter, the pain of the cold ice and snow reminiscent of the thorns Rose had left in me. As time would pass, the snow would melt and the pain would disappear with it.

It was when I was starting to return to my day to day that I met Serenity in a university club event when we’d been paired up together. She was a upperclassman who’d done everything already. As an easily frightened new student and the kind soul Serenity was, she truly became like the snow to me.

As we spent time at her room working on some posters, I had broken out in tears as we drew roses for the Valentine event. She’d silently embraced me in her arms as I sobbed my pain away. Sometimes after a chain of sleepless nights I’d come to see her and pass out on her sofa held in her arms, peaceful as my worries would melt away. Serenity never asked questions, she was always the support I needed to heal and she would always say that she would be there to listen when I needed her.

You might think that was our dynamic to everyone else. In reality, on the outside I was the know-it-all junior and she was the sometimes useful senior. We were a usual seemingly energetic pair. We’d always talk about how we helped ground one another. I think we may have been able to make it work had I been ready for a relationship. Some things aren’t meant to be, no matter how right they might seem.

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

His voice and face would appear in my memories, and it would make me smile. For once, I had an answer. Or at least, I thought I did.

—

It was the anniversary of Rose’s disappearance that I found myself outside Serenity’s place as usual, lost and empty. She opened the door, wiping tears in her eyes as she stared at me. She always tried to pull out her strong side for me.

I lifted the bottles of soju casually toward her and she forced a smile. She grabbed the soju from my hand, and briefly turned around.

“Wait here.”

And the door closed in front of me with a quiet click.

I waited awkwardly outside for what couldn’t have been more than a couple of minutes. I heard the thud of bottles on wood, followed by footsteps running back, and the door opening again. She dragged me down the stairs by the arm, her hurriedly put on unzipped winter parka fluttering to reveal pajamas underneath.

As we turned the corner behind the building she handed me a lighter from her pocket as she held a cigarette to her lips.

The snow continued falling around us as a thin wisp of smoke headed up the side of the building.

“You smoke?” I asked bewildered, lighting the cigarette.

“I’ve always wanted to try… thought that maybe it’ll stop the pain. But I was too scared alone” she replied, coughing through her tears as the smoke got the better of her. I pulled her toward me, holding her tightly.

I really didn’t know what else to do. She’d never shown me this weak side, she’d always been my supporter. I was acting on pure instinct as I just hugged her with more force. The cigarette dropped from her hands, slowly distinguishing in the snow below. Her shivering body seemed to calm in my grasp and I whispered gently “Let’s head back in.”

We awkwardly walked back to her apartment, step by step, her arm clinging to mine. I entered the code to her apartment and was blasted by a wave of heat.

“It’s as hot as always in here… Does that thermostat say 30 degrees?!”

I opened her closet to look for a coat hanger, and was about to pass it to her but she had already tossed her coat onto the back of the sofa as she down. Sighing, I shoved the edge of the hanger into my coat, threw the other side over it, and placed the coat into the closet. I walked over to her, grabbed a bottle of soju from her coffee table, and twisted it open as I sat down beside her.

She had already started talking before I had my first sip.

“That asshole… he already got a new girlfriend. He didn’t even consider it. Not even a little.”

I stared blankly at her, I had known he wasn’t interested but had hid it for fear of disappointing her. He’d always been the type to chase after new girls. He was famous for never being single after all.

I stood up to get a glass but she grabbed my hand and stole the bottle from my grasp and took a drink. Sighing I grabbed another bottle for myself, twisting that open as well. As soon as the cap was off, with a clink of bottles the alcohol slowly disappeared.

She continued onward – “You knew didn’t you?”

It wasn’t a question as much it was a statement.

“Yea.”

I looked away, I’d known how she’d felt for him and I’d looked into it. I was nosy and I had to know things, because that was how I prepared for things. That was how I operated and Serenity knew that. Serenity was the most important thing I had after all.

She sighed, shook her head at me.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

And then with a pause, she seemed to hesitate as I didn’t respond.

“I guess you really couldn’t have told me. I wouldn’t’ve listened anyway.”

She took another drink before continuing her monologue.

“So why are you here today? Surely it’s not because of me.”

I looked away, struggling for words.

“She’s haunting me again… It’s the 5th anniversary since her disappearance.”

Serenity sighed, setting down the empty glass.

“You have to let go… You really shouldn’t let her control your life anymore.”

I ignored her and kept drinking, until I found that the bottle was empty. I grabbed another bottle in my left hand and swiftly opened it to take another drink.

“I just have to forget it. I’m sure this will do the trick.”

Serenity watched sighing before grabbing another bottle for herself. We sat in silence drinking away our sorrow for what seemed like forever.

Serenity spoke, breaking the silence as the empty bottles outnumbered the full ones.

“You’ve got to move on now. You can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

I laughed weakly.

“Are you talking to yourself or to me?”

Serenity stared at me, pensive. Her usual steady and calm eyes staring right through me as always. And then without warning her lips pressed again mine briefly, her arms around my neck.

It wasn’t emotional, and it wasn’t particularly affectionate but it was all either of us had. And perhaps that’s all that mattered.

Chapter 4: Flurries

I stared at Rose.

“I’m sorry.”

The tears starting as I ran toward her. But no matter how much I ran, the farther away she’d seem to be. When I had run as far as I could, as if on cue, with a flash she was gone.

—

I woke with my hand outstretched, and tears starting to fall as I stared up at the ceiling. The smell of shampoo and alcohol filled the air, with a tinge of cigarettes and perfume. Serenity stirred beside me, glancing at my tears before holding me tighter. I kissed her lightly as emotions blended back to instincts.

It would be hours later when I would wake up to light streaming through the curtains. Blinking quickly, I slowly recollected what I could through my ringing forehead. Carefully untangling myself from Serenity, I gingerly got up, taking care to not make sudden movements. I silently walked through the mess of clothing to grab garments before heading to the shower.

Serenity was still sleeping when I exited the shower so I silently stepped out to the living are, cleaning the mess in front of me as I went.

I grabbed her coat on the sofa, hanging it in the closet beside mine. The clank of the lighter and cigarettes rang out in the coat. Without thinking twice I grabbed my coat and stepped outside, both in hand.

I held the cigarette to my lips, the lighter inches from my face – my breath looking smoke-like as I attempted to light it in the flurries that fell around me. I could feel the heat on my nose as I struggled against the wind.

When I finally succeeded, I immediately inhaled the smoke to a coughing fit. Dropping the cigarette underfoot, I laughed, and looking up at the falling snow. I guess that would be another addition to the long list of things I was terrible at.

I threw out the cigarettes before heading back inside. I could hear the sound of the running shower so I walked to the kitchen, downed a glass of water and sat down on the sofa.

I reached for my phone which had been left abandoned on the coffee table among the assorted empty bottles. The battery read 40% as I glanced through it despite the obvious lack of notifications. I jumped through the news to find anything to help nullify the growing emptiness inside. As I finished skimming the various headlines of the first few pages, Serenity’s footsteps approached. I hadn’t realize the sound of the shower had already stopped.

“I’m sorry.” Her eyes were apologetic, and she averted her gaze as she stood awkwardly to the side. “I used you… and your kindness.”

I laughed lightly.

“Sometimes that’s just how it is.”

She leaned against the wall, with her arms crossed and gaze unsteady.

“I knew you had feelings for me, and I knew you wouldn’t resist. I thought it might help you forget… help me forget…”

I stared at her sheepishly, “I know. It’s alright. I knew what it was. I don’t have any expectations.”

Serenity looked at me, this time with frustrated eyes.

“I keep telling you to meet a nice girl and here I am adding on to your track record of suffering. Just more bad memories to take over and consume you.”

I smiled, unbothered.

“These aren’t bad memories. You held onto the pieces as I was falling apart. How could those be bad memories?”

Serenity sighed, eyes downcast and her head partially in her hands. A whisper escaped her lips

“Why couldn’t I just love you…”

Pretending not to hear, I continued on.

“I like winter. I feel more at home in the cold, where just existing hurts. It makes me feel like I’m alive… These days though I feel warm even in this cold winter. So don’t feel bad, I have all I need to keep moving forward.”

Serenity crumbled down, sobs starting as she held her knees, realization slowly setting in.

I turned to go, it wasn’t right to comfort her now and, it just didn’t make sense to stay.

I whispered a thank you as I stepped into specs of white blinding my view while closing the door behind me.

‘At least this time I knew the answer to the question.’

Chapter 5: Spitting

I chased after her in the spitting rain, trying to catch up as she walked her way to the subway station. “Hey Emma!” I yelled, trying to grab her attention. She stopped and turned around, stoic as always. The truth was that I understood her quite well. She might appear stoic and uncaring but in reality she was shy and caring, and uncomfortable being honest with her feelings.

“Mind if I walk with you?”

She gave me a nod and was silent as usual, so I did what I did best talking about work and my day. She and I had joined the same company about a week apart and although we had some things in common, our conversation was typically just me talking and her just listening.

I talked endlessly about the new things that came up at work, how I felt about being at the company or how the weekend was looking. She’d sometimes chime in with a comment about the cold, or how her weekend was empty.

She had turned into my only friend at the job, and the one person I could confide in as I attempted to try to fit into the circumstances. As we approached the entrance to the subway station, I stopped and brought out the final word.

“If you’re free this weekend, do you want to try dinner or something?”

She looked at my thoughtfully, before giving a short nod of agreement.

We headed past the gates and as we headed our separate directions.

“I’ll message you about it!”

With that, I headed down towards the platform and stood waiting for the next train. I grabbed my headphones and plugged into the music as the wind of the approaching pressure started a gust down the tunnel.

The doors opened and I stepped into 4th car, walking across to the other doors before leaning against the glass beside the seat. I stared out the door toward the opposing train. The doors closed with a familiar sound and we started heading closer to home.

Stations passed by and I lost myself in the music. We were right before the next major station and I stared out at the platform across. In a glimpse, I saw a face I couldn’t help but recognize start walking towards the staircase.

In a flash I was at the exit side, waiting as the subway braked slowly, and as the doors opened my body had already taken off running out onto the platform, running up the stairs toward the landing she was walking toward. And as I reached the staircase, out of breath, she walked up the staircase, and saw me.

The shock on her face was viewable in plain sight.

“Rose.”

I stopped every urge to run over and hug her, hands firmly placed into my pockets as I felt the tears on my eyes.

She looked at me, blinking and calmly meeting my gaze.

“I don’t think you really need to be crying. It’s only been 10 years.”

I wiped my eyes.

“I’m just glad you seem to be well.”

She turned slightly, flaunting her dyed hair and strike a pose.

“I know, I look amazing!”

I laughed, for once ignoring all the weird stares from the people around. Looks like she was the same Rose, living life whim to whim.

She stared back at me, eyes scanning me before continuing.

“Confidence looks good on you.”

“You think?”

I struck a pose as deep in thought and she ran over, grabbing one of my arms.

“Definitely. It’s also perfect that you’re here, we’re going to the festival tomorrow!”

“Who’s we..?”

I asked apprehensively.

“Me… and you!”

She replied with a smile.

Chapter 6: Rivers

And the weekend came, and as if on her command I waited outside the gate for her.

For once in my life, I was early, sitting on the rocks outside, staring at my phone killing time. Flipping through articles I didn’t care for, butterflies slowly fluttered around in my stomach. Slowly losing myself in the text, I read line to line until I felt someone grab my phone and I stared up to see her playful smile.

“Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii”

Greetings unnecessary long as usual.

“Morning”

I replied back, succinct and boring, yet cheerful just the same.

Holding my phone in her left, she outstretched her right hand to help me stand. Taking her offer, I stood, somehow old comforts returning.

“So what adventure are we off to today princess Rose?”

She rolled her eyes, unimpressed with the professional tone.

“We’re off to see the wizard, Harry.”

I stared back at her, equally unimpressed. It took a moment before we both burst out laughing and she pointed toward the entrance.

“Let’s get going!”

We wandered the festivals at her whim, fancy foods, crazy clothes and romantic rides. It had been years since I had found myself enjoying things in that manner. Not since I had last seen her. And as we wandered around together, it felt like that we had never been apart.

As the sun started to set, we wandered past the fountain and toward the river bank. She gestured for me to sit, and as I reached for something to cover the ground, she waved me off and sat down.

“I’ll be leaving the country next week.”

“You did it! I’m so happy for you!”

Were the first things I said, excitement in my voice. She had once said she wanted to explore the world, and I had always told her to travel more. It was delightful to hear that she’d be finally spreading her wings.

She looked at me, nodding with a slight hesitation in her smile.

“I’m not sure if I want to leave this behind.”

I shook my head.

“It was wonderful to catch up, but if you’re going to say that, I’m leaving. I’m not worth that Rose. You’re better than me. You can do better than me. You deserve better than me.”

She looked at me, slightly teary. She reached toward me, grabbing my watch and shirt, pulling both up to display the remnants of scars on my right arm.

“I did this to you. You used to always say that the watch was for the non-dominant arm but now you wear it on your right. I can’t undo this, I can’t make up for this.”

I smiled at her, shaking my head.

“Scars are a man’s pride and a story for him to tell. These were a young man’s choice for the girl he loved. No more, no less. So don’t worry about me and go take on the world, and make it yours. But this time, let’s stay in touch, deal?”

“Deal.”

She finally smiled back.